Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
