I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
This is my gift to your gina
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
