then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
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Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
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how do you play pong handcuffed?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
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