I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
