Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
