grandma shit on top of the toilet
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
