if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
