you have to choose: penises or morals?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
