you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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