my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
