I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month