The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.