The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
