So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
