there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Randomize
