in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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