Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I need to calm my uterus...
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
