No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Randomize
