dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
