Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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