Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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