I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
