so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
