1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
