How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
