i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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