We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
