just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
