Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
