Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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