Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
