my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.