I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
That's how pantless uber rides happen