you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
