Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
