And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Randomize
