I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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