Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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