my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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