My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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