I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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