We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
