She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
