Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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