i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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