he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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