We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
