You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
