Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
