When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
