When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
whose ass print is on the piano?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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