my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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