Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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