you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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