2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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