I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
jump out the window naked night went bad
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
